LaLaGirl – Twinfinite Chaos! Parenting Multiples and Dealing with Autism

Everything always happens at once. Ever notice that? Our lives are very all-or-nothing. We’re bored as shit, sitting around the house, plagued by cabin fever, dying for something to do. Or, we’re scrambling to find a babysitter because both of us have things going on we can’t get out of, and somebody needs to drop off Kayley across town here and pick her up later there, and the kids have appointments, and something breaks and needs to be repaired right fucking now, and the van has a dead battery, and someone set fire to the drapes. Okay, that last thing was made up. But I think you get the idea.

Currently, we’re in the Ridiculously Overscheduled phase. I’m done with the twin club sale, THANK GOD. I still need to reprice a bunch of stuff that didn’t sell before I drag it all back down to the basement, though, because I know I won’t have time to do it come March. I have a bunch of doctor’s appointments, the kids have appointments for physicals, Kayley’s got play practice (that is, until she shoots herself in the foot by being a slacker with her grades, and I ground her from being in the play), she’s in a babysitter course that runs for two days, Paul’s going to classes 16 hours a week all month to prepare for the PE exam, and we think we have a renter for the townhouse, but we need to process his paperwork and handle all of that nonsense.

I’m rebelling against doing stuff online, because…I have no idea why. I think I just need some measure of control in my life that is tangible and which I can show to other people, like, WOW. LOOK AT MY CLEAN FUCKING KITCHEN. IS IT NOT AMAZING. Rather than, WOW. LOOK AT ALL MY BLOG COMMENTS! Seriously, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret here. My house is FAIRLY clean. It could always look better. But I thought I’d magically be able to do EVERYTHING if I stepped away from the internet for a moment. I’m finding, though, that that just isn’t the case. Apparently, I STILL get behind on the laundry, even if I’m not updating Twitter every time I add the fabric softener.

Still, I’m trying. I’m feeling well. Usually, phases like this overwhelm the shit out of me, and I often end up spiraling into depression. I’m trying to nip that in the bud, because it’s just getting OLD. I’ve discovered that if I evict GUILT from my brain, depression moves out along with it. And I feel far less guilty about being behind on the laundry and having toys all over the floor when I know in my heart that I really have worked at it throughout the day, and that I haven’t pissed away the day on MySpace.

After my post yesterday, (and the lack of comments, ahem) I worried a little that people might think I was just giving bloggersville the finger. Not the case. You know I can’t quit you. I just wanted to let you know where my head is with all of it, though. I think it’s all going to be okay.

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This has been a quick week. Monday, I had my twin club meeting. Wednesday, I went to a doctor’s appointment and then met my husband for lunch, and on Wednesday night, the two of us had an appointment across town at 8. (Who sets up appointments at EIGHT pm? Seriously?) Last night, I was feeling really bad – I always think I’m about to die of a heart attack for a little while, and then realize it’s my gallbladder acting up. So I went to bed early and made Paul and Kayley put the little ones down at bedtime. And tonight, I’m going to a Mile High Mamas event. And of course, last weekend, we had Taylor’s birthday party, Will’s inauguration as the president of the Denver Board of Realtors, and the Poison concert. And last week, I had a board meeting for my twin club, too.

In other words, I’ve been gone a whole fucking lot, and my kids are REALLY noticing. These little ones really know how to twist that knife, too, and I feel awful about it. When we left the other night, Lexi shouted at us, “You NEVER stay with us! You always LEAVE us!” I actually cried a little as we turned the corner. And I’m seriously debating whether or not to go to this thing tonight. I’ve been looking forward to it for awhile, and I’m dragging my sister along with me, but still – the guilt is consuming me! My poor children, forced to hang out with Nana and Kayley, watching cartoons and eating ice cream all day.

My MIL left yesterday, so my babysitter is officially gone. For some reason it seems like we do NOTHING for weeks and weeks, and then everything hits at once, and we have a whole lot of stuff going on over a period of a few days. This has been the case many times in the past, and I always end up feeling massive mommy guilt about it. This has been the longest period ever, though, where I’ve completely ignored my children. It’s killing me.

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