comic courtesy The Doghouse Diaries
I have a love/hate relationship with my iPhone. I love it, because…well, what’s not to love? (Besides the fact that I can’t see websites built with Flash – really, Apple, we STILL can’t see Flash? Really? Okay. Thanks for the shitty maps, though.) I love having my calendar, email, and camera right in my pocket and I especially love playing crossword puzzles in waiting rooms instead of reading ancient magazines.
I hate it, because I can’t ever seem to put the damned thing DOWN. I almost wish I had a second phone that just worked as, y’know, A PHONE, so that I could receive calls from my hubby but still actually get things done. It seems like I can’t ever disconnect myself from Facebook and Instagram, and it’s almost embarrassing. And talk about a point of contention between my husband and me – he hates it when people are glued to their phones anyway, and gets especially testy when he’s trying to hold my attention and I’m scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. We smartphone users are some rude motherfuckers, that’s for sure. And don’t try to act like you’re not one of them. You know you are.
As much as I love having a little world of information right in my pocket and at my fingertips, I recognize the how dangerously addicting it is having a smartphone. If a grown-ass woman like myself can’t go to sleep at night without surreptitiously playing Draw Something under the covers, how can any of us expect our children to be able to handle the responsibility of having a smartphone? The answer is: we can’t. Which is why my kids will never have one, until they are old enough to sign up for their very own data plan.
I have heard story after story after story – from parents I know personally – about kids who have gotten into mischief using a smartphone/iTouch. Much of it involves breaking rules about playing video games after hours or downloading apps without permission, but much more of it has been about chatting with potentially dangerous people or being bullied by other kids via social media. It happens – ALL THE TIME.
A few weeks ago, my 4th grader was at a sleepover where one of the girls had an iTouch. They were chatting via Facetime with a classmate of theirs, when things started to get ugly. The girls started to get uncomfortable with what was being said in some recorded videos and forwarded a couple of them to me. Let me tell you, I was freakin’ STUNNED. I know girls can be catty, petty, even dare I say BITCHY, beginning at a young age. But my jaw literally fell open when I saw what this ten-year-old girl was saying to my daughter’s friend. I couldn’t get that ten-year-old’s mom on the phone fast enough, and guess what? She was just as floored by all of it as I was. I won’t forget her crushed expression and the tears in her eyes as she dragged her kid over in her pajamas to apologize. I am sure she assumed her daughter was just playing Fruit Ninja and having nice little conversations with her friends about Justin Bieber. We all would like to think our kids are angelic, but…yeah, no. Kids are sneaky! My kids, your kids – pretty much ALL KIDS. If you give them this technology, which WE can’t even handle, well…what do you THINK is going to happen?
I heard a story today from a friend that was damned disturbing, and unfortunately all too common. Evidently, my friend’s colleague discovered that her PRETEEN daughter had been communicating with a stranger in his twenties via a chat app called Omegle. This is an app designed specifically for chatting with strangers – something we try to steer our children away from every day of their lives – and a child was wrapped up in it, even going so far as to send pictures of herself to this creep. The girl’s mother got law enforcement involved, who told her that this guy was essentially grooming the girl for a future encounter. This is the sort of thing that scares the hell out of me. I know we’d all like to believe that our kids would be smarter – would be safer – would never fall prey to someone intending to hurt them – but God forbid we’re wrong.
My kids continue to ask for phones for birthdays and Christmas, and I continue to laugh and tell them no way. My opinion, and keep in mind that I’m a little jaded from the cell phone shenanigans my oldest pulled during her early teens: little kids do not need cell phones! There is no place my kids are going to be where there aren’t ADULTS AROUND. If they need to call me, A PHONE IS AVAILABLE. When they get to the age where they’re away from adults for any substantial length of time – say, walking home from middle school – then we’ll talk about getting a phone. But I guarantee you that phone will be the kind that makes calls and sends texts ONLY, and we’ll be policing that shit like crazy. Hell, my oldest is SEVENTEEN and her (very basic) phone shuts down at 11 p.m. and doesn’t turn back on until 6:30 a.m. Parental controls. Look into it. Every carrier offers it. And, pardon my cranky old lady attitude, but – kids should be riding bikes and drawing with sidewalk chalk, not texting. They’re little for like, FIVE MINUTES, you guys. Let them be little kids.
I know not everyone shares my opinion – LOTS of my kids’ friends have phones already, or iTouches, or even iPhones! And I’m not judging anyone for it, I promise. You do what works for YOU and your family. (Also, I’m a cheap bastard!) I’m just saying, don’t assume that your kids are responsible enough to handle the temptation of what is instantly available, when WE can’t even set our phones down for five minutes. Be snoopy! Poke around! Don’t let them set a password. Make sure they’re following the rules you lay down.
Let me know what you think – do your kids use Smartphones? What do you think is an appropriate age for a child to get a phone?
I’m with you. Johnny got an iPhone at 18, when he payed for the data plan. All my kids got phones (basic) May/June of their 8th grade year. Tom was so over the fact that he finally got a phone that he never has it when he needs it, like when I am supposed to pick him up from the HS soccer practice.
Donna Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 9:00 am
OMG… edit that to say paid, not payed, LOL
LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 9:10 am
That’s about how we’ve done things. Kayley is dying for an iPhone – she’s a senior, and I don’t see any of us volunteering to pick up the bill for it! I’m sure as soon as she gets a job, she’ll have one, what do you wanna bet?
Laura, I love you just a little bit more because of this. You have hit the nail on the head when it comes to this subject. My kids have asked and asked for phones and we’ve said no. George had a friend that gave him an ipod touch but someone stole it and I have to say I’m not sorry that it’s gone. It’s too scary what kids can get into with all of that technology. And that Omegle site??? I wish they would shut that mo-fo down.
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LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 9:11 am
ME TOO – or, at least make it harder for kids to get to. I’m not sure what the answer is, there.
Laura, I’m stunned that kids your kid’s ages would already be asking for/having smart phones. I truly am an old lady!
I totally think your stand on phones for kids is a good one. And, yes, they still sell flip phones. It’s the only phone my husband will want to use. We have a rule for vacations: they are electronic free. I get to keep my cell phone because I’m the matriarch of everyone who comes with us. And, if you’re an adult, you can bring your phone as well. But kids are not allowed phones, game boys, ipods, etc. We believe that kids are losing the ability to daydream and the ability to cope with boredom. My 13 year old step-grandson about lost his ever-loving mind last summer at the hunting cabin with no internet, television, radio, phone. But he survived.
And, Laura, put down your phone. If something truly momentous happens, someone will call you.
LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 9:13 am
Every time my phone actually rings, I look at it in a panic, like I’m not sure what to do with it. Ha!
P.S. I’ve done more crossword puzzles in the past year than I have over the course of my entire life. Somebody stage an intervention.
I LOVE this post, Laura! I didn’t get a cell phone until 1999, because that’s when we moved here and my commute was daunting. I didn’t want to rely upon strangers and their cell phones if I had car trouble up north on I-25, so I got a phone for emergencies only. It came with a tiny number of “anytime” minutes (that if I didn’t use during the month, I’d use to talk to out-of-state friends “long distance,”) and this phone was physically large enough to double as a weapon itself!
Claire has asked for a phone “to call grandma,” to which we’ve said NO WAY. Like you said, she’s almost 7! She’s never going to be anywhere that she’ll need her own phone. When will she get one? The jury is still out, but I’m going to lean toward as soon as she starts driving (but even then, I’ll hope she does what I do, which is keeps her phone in her purse, and her purse out of reach of the steering wheel.)
We do have a No Tech at the Table Rule here during meals. IF you want to instagram your food, that’s fine, but then it goes away. (This rule really just applies to me, because my hubby refuses to carry a personal cell phone, and like I said, Claire’s purse is sadly devoid of one. BUT, he’s not allowed to have his tablet at the table either. Meal times are for eating and connecting with THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SITTING THERE. *ahem*)
Now, if you’ll excuse me…I think there are kids on my lawn. Have you seen my cane?
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LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 3:29 pm
OMG, Paul would be so annoyed if I ever stopped to Instagram my dinner. Haha! I think we got our first cell phones around the same time. Actually, I believe I got mine in ’96, because I do remember Kayley was just a little baby. It was huge!
AMEN, AMEN and AMEN!!!
I have an 8 year old daughter who has already started asking for one. When I say no, for the exact same reasons you listed, she is always within reach of a phone or an adult, she reminds me that her Grandma will get her one then. Let te record show this is my ex mother in law who has never and certainly does not now respect my role as MY children’s Mother. I have told my daughter if she gets her a phone it will not be allowed in my house or to be taken to school. I am sure her Grandma won’t be pleased, but once again I am the Mother.
My other gripe is that this year our school district started a program called the World Class Education program. This program encourages our children as young as kindergarten to bring any smart device they have to school. Smart phone, iTouch, iPad, etc. Well, my ass is cheap too and my kids do not have any of the above. In fact the only smart devices in our home are my phone, my husband’s phone and me if course. I questioned the district and asked who is monitoring te use of theses devices? Who is responsible for them when they get broken? Most importantly, are my children losing out on a World Class Education because they will not have these devices to bring to school? Of course no reply.
I want my children to be safe and learn about life like I did, disconnected from technology. They spend all day on it at school. Come home and make a mud pie for crying out loud.
On another subject, my name is Valerie and I have a smart phone addiction. I am constantly scrolling, can be found under my covers as well and I too have a husband that would love for us to put our devices down from 5pm until whenever he falls asleep. I need to work on this, it really is distracting and I know I am missing LIFE at home as it happens around me.
Great write up LaLa!
LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 3:31 pm
On back to school night, one of the kids’ teachers said we could send Kindles in for them to read on, and I was like, who in the hell sends a Kindle in the backpack of a 7-year-old? My kids can’t even keep their peanut butter crackers from getting smashed. I wouldn’t be too hip to that program, either – wondering if my kids were missing out because they didn’t have the same technology! Weird!
Very well said.
I think often times, kids want smartphones because we the parents have them and we’re can’t put them down. They see what we do and they want to be like us. Even with the fiercely independent kids who feel they’re too cool for the parents, we still hold a lot of power over them. I’ll admit it, I can’t put my phone down. DH could be driving and I’ll be in the passenger seat on FB, or checking my RSS feeds. Hey, something is always going on on the Internet and I’m never bored. And when my kids see this, of course they’re going to want to smartphone so they too have something to do rather than just sit around strapped to their car seats staring out the window. My 7 yr old has asked me numerous times when she can get a phone. I told her we’ll visit the idea when she’s 12. I didn’t promise her a phone, but I told her we’d discuss it then. Are there times when I wish I could text her? Such as when she’s at camp…I’d love to know what’s going on, but those times are so few and far between that it’s not a necessity. Besides, how did our parents get by without it? Somehow, they did. We’re just spoiled by instant gratification now.
LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Nancy, there’s been many times I wished I could text my kids, too – just to be like, “Dinner’s ready. Come home!” when they’re out of shouting range. It’s hard to balance wanting to play with our toys and set a good example, too.
No children here, but I’m right there with you, nodding in agreement.
take a look around your local pizza place restaurant etc and look at how little conversation,(or eating) is being done due to these things.
We were just remarking this morning that an entire generation is losing the art of conversation… all aspects of it. Imagine these same budding techno twerps flirting in 10the years or even 5?
I too am missing out on life because I’m too busy looking down to see it.
Let’s delete the draw w/ games…uh tomorrow.
from my smartphone
LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 3:32 pm
I know – nobody even talks on their phones anymore! It’s all texting, tweeting, IMing.
We’ve decided to get our kids their first phone in jr high. This because they both have begun spending more time away from home, walking to school, talking to their friends more. Both of our of-age kids started with a simple flip phone which they must keep for 2 years. They need to learn how to use a phone, how to care for this expensive technology, responsibility. My nearly 16yo just got his first smartphone. It was a difficult decision. The main reason we did this is he has Aspergers & struggles to keep track of his assignments, obligations, events- and an old-fashioned calendar was not cutting it. He hated writing things down, he hated checking it, he’s a technology whiz & we thought the calendar/notifications/notes apps on a smartphone would be a big help. Honestly, so far he’s not using those tools fully to his advantage- but he just got it so we’re teaching him. Yes, he’s gotten into trouble with tech (not just his smartphone) a few times- playing when he’s not supposed to, bringing it to the dinner table, saying inappropriate things in public forums, looking at things he shouldn’t- but I know about these things because I’m a tech nerd myself & I supervise (stalk him) relentlessly. I feel like he needs a lot of guidance since he already struggles with social interactions. I only get (theoretically) 2 more years to guide him before he’s off to college & I want him to have his learning experiences, make these mistakes while he’s near & I can help. I’m afraid it sets a bad precedent for future kids- I’m not sure I want my daughter to have a smartphone in two years. Any which way, all my kids work for the things they want. They do chores an average of an hour a day & must maintain A’s & B’s if they want access to their tech. Over the course of a month, they earn it (or they lose it.)
LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 3:34 pm
That is a great point, and I can see us getting there one day with Pablo. He is way more tech-savvy than the other kids his age, but he gets SO obsessed with things that I think the day of him having a smartphone of his own is yeeeeeears away.
I finally caved and my kids all have phones ~ but they have “dumbphones” (no internet) and I randomly check their message streams – if I ask for it they have to give it, and if I don’t like what’s happening on it they lose it.
One night towards the end of summer they were up late one night and decided to try prank phone calls like they saw in a movie LMAO – then they realized that the movie was “old” and 99% of phones today have caller id – duhhhh
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LaLaLaura Reply:
October 22nd, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Haha! What a buzz kill!
Excellent post, Laura. My hubby and I have smart phones and, although they are pretty convenient and cool, sometimes I wish we didn’t have them. We got Bailey a free “dumb” phone when she started being old enough to walk home from school and stay at the YMCA for swim practice by herself. It has been a good thing for us so far. She had a sleepover this weekend and had it with her. She would text us and let us know what she was up to. I like being able to communicate with her when she is away from us.